Writing on Splice Today: Rising Celtics, MVP Debates, and Red Sox Opening Day

Openings and links to recent writing I’ve done for Splice Today:

Green Playoff Dreams Become Reality

As NBA teams play their last of the 82-game season, the Western Conference standings are a mess. Every team other the Golden State Warriors is floating in a blender, which pulses nightly. The healthiest and the hottest teams rise to the top. Welcome to the 2nd seed, San Antonio Spurs. Welcome to the 5th seed, Memphis Grizzlies. The playoff match-ups refuse to be determined. Let’s switch over to the Eastern Conference, where things might not be as glamorous, but they make a bit more sense.

The Boston Celtics (40-42) have enjoyed themselves since the All-Star Break (20-11; 20-9 in last 29 games). Coach Brad Stevens has the team buying in to the wise Buddhist (and sporting) philosophy to stay in the present moment, rather than get ahead of themselves and overanalyze their success. The hunger this group plays with is palpable. Refreshing to see a collection of undervalued players pull together in only a few weeks. As GM Danny Ainge explained on Tuesday night’s broadcast, the new-look team has barely had practice time together since the All-Star break, and the cohesion is remarkable. The flurry of mid-season trades is in the rearview, and the Celtics have cemented their collective identity. Start with guards Marcus Smart and Avery Bradley. Toss in the constant-motion and physicality of Jae Crowder and Jonas Jerebko. Finish it with the mighty-might offensive force of Isaiah Thomas (no relation to the Pistons legend), and you get a team that refuses to be denied.

To continue, hop here: http://splicetoday.com/sports/green-playoff-dreams-become-reality

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How MVP Debates Miss the Bigger Picture

I’m not sure when it happened exactly, maybe 10 years ago, but ESPN, Yahoo and the rest of the corporate sports media industry, who have always enjoyed quoting athletes saying stupid things, began taking it to the next level, constantly badgering athletes to self-promote and sound like egomaniacal assholes (some don’t need much help), in order for the media cycle to provide easy targets for Stephen A. Smith, Skip Bayless and Colin Cowherd the following day. Amazingly, the hot air has yet to melt ESPN down into the black hole of Bristol, Connecticut.

Growing up in Boston, I understand the cultural phenomenon of sports talk radio and what a “hot take” really is. It’s an easy and provocative way of dumbing-down simple-minded people who see the world in black-and-white. Our political campaigns are filled with gossip-filled plot twists and endless array of talking heads reinforcing the sludge to the masses. Everything is newsworthy in this age. I feel like Andy Rooney, hermetically complaining in my corner.

The Internet avalanche of clickbait now brings these non-stories to our eyes wherever we wander online. The “build your brand” bullshit and the endless self-promotion that has infiltrated the sports world is here to stay, whether we like it or not. Filtering it out becomes paramount for the semi-enlightened sports fan who wants to avoid the swamp of ego-driven despair that comes with enjoying a game, a team or a particular player.

“James Harden claims he’s the NBA’s MVP”

That’s the headline, designed to make you click. As Chris Beck eloquently wrote here, controversy reigns in today’s competitive media climate. Truth be damned, not truth be told. So much garbage designed to provoke reactions, rather than examine with a critical lens. Very few media outlets worry about correcting their false claims. Everyone moves on in an instant.

To continue, hop here: http://splicetoday.com/sports/how-mvp-debates-miss-the-bigger-picture

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The Glory of Boston’s Opening Day

Opening Day is a holiday. More sacred than Easter or Passover or any other spring day for me. This isn’t about the tropes of fresh starts and green grass and the end of winter, though those are important aspects of Opening Day as well. This is about the lovely impossibility of percentages. One divided by 162.

1/162 = 0.00617.

The first regular season game of the longest season in professional sports counts for roughly 0.62 percent of the season. But let’s be honest: All but the most literal-minded, detached fan does not see Opening Day that way. With all the anticipation of Game #1 comes all of the exaggerated impact that Game #1 has. As is the case with the majority of baseball games, strange things happened.

On Monday, 28 of Major League Baseball’s 30 teams opened their seasons; the Cubs and Cardinals debuted on Sunday night. Of those 14 games, four ended in blowouts. Boston (8-0), Colorado (10-0), Kansas City (10-1), and Oakland (8-0) all began their seasons in glorious style, piling up runs as if they will last forever. Never mind that Kansas City and Oakland may not score more than seven runs in a game for the rest of April. For now, their bats are bright-eyed and bountiful, and the lineup takes on a jovial vibe. Coming into Monday, Red Sox and Rockies fans knew high-scoring games were likely occurrences. I suppose it’s ingrained in those that have ever attended a game at Coors Field to expect a steady flow of hits and runs. Red Sox fans have certainly come to expect doubles off the Monster and “crooked numbers” on the scoreboard, but five home runs on Opening Day? Four solo shots off Cole Hamels? This was only the second time in his career he’s allowed four in a game.

To continue, hop here: http://splicetoday.com/sports/the-glory-of-boston-s-opening-day

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Questions, Statements and Proclamations for the 2015 MLB Season: American League

Baseball is not entirely unpredictable, but there is a website named for its unpredictability. How many “experts” picked Kansas City to rampage through the post-season last October? How many believed that Mike Moustakas (52 HRs in 1993 regular season plate appearances) would hit five October round-trippers in his 55 October appearances in the batter’s box? Before last October’s AL Wild Card game, how many fans had ever heard of pinch-running maestro Terrance Gore (two plate appearances, five stolen bases last September)?

This is why we love baseball (or why Orioles fans hate baseball). Because the game refuses to allow us to know how it will play out every year, with broken-bat hits and insane running catches in the outfield (Lorenzo Cain). Because of Tommy John and his infamous elbow operation. Injuries that result from dropping boxes on feet (Chris Sale). Every spring training day that passes, more baseball fans are learning more about anatomy and physiology. Fantasy baseball rosters are filled with tiny red-crosses. Let’s get down to it and ask some hypothetical questions.

Boston Red Sox:

1. I’d like to make a substantial wager that Mookie Betts will be an All-Star within three years. Yes, I’d like to bet on Betts.
2. How many weeks until we see lefty prospect Eduardo Rodriguez replace fifth starter Joe Kelly (biceps injury and up-and-down career) in the starting rotation?
3. With all of the defensive shifts that take place in the majors now, why can’t the Red Sox just play their four outfielders, as they do in softball?
4. Who needs a first baseman? Pedroia can scamper over there on infield hits.

http://splicetoday.com/sports/questions-statements-and-proclamations-for-the-2015-mlb-season

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As always, thanks for reading and sharing.

Onward to the Playoffs!

Go Celtics. Go Warriors.

Jonah

24 (Slightly Absurd) NBA Certainties for the 2014-15 Season

The following twenty-four NBA-related events will most certainly occur over the course of the next eight months. 

1. On October 30, Blake Griffin “retaliates” against Serge Ibaka‘s third take-down of the game by blowing him kisses. Later in the game, Glen Davis crushes Ibaka and then pins him to the court in a wrestling maneuver. Davis is suspended for five games, but coach Doc Rivers buys Davis a new Tesla for his troubles.

2. The Minnesota Timberwolves will not be all that exciting in general, but Ricky Rubio to Andrew Wiggins and Rubio to Zach LaVine lob passes will be a nice distraction from the standings. Coach Flip Saunders gives Rubio an ultimatum in mid-November: “Get to the free-throw more or we’ll all start calling you, “Marco.”

3. Milwaukee Bucks coach Jason Kidd comes out of retirement in late-November because he wants to, “Teach Jabari the pick-and-roll.” Jabari Parker continues to pick-and-pop but refuses to “roll.”

4. Golden State Warriors owner Joe Lacob introduces pre-game three-point contests involving Steph Curry, Klay Thompson and new coach Steve Kerr. The Warriors start selling tickets for the pre-game event only.

December

5. Philadelphia 76ers second round pick K.J. McDaniels becomes first NBA player to have a 10 block, 10 turnover game against the downtrodden Orlando Magic.

6. Chicago Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau embraces the fact he finally has a deep bench and plays everyone 25 minutes per game, saving them for the playoffs. Derrick Rose will play the entire season.

7. ESPN.com crashes for several days in mid-December due to advanced metrics malfunctioning and causing panic.

8. In a New Year’s Eve special, longtime TNT commentator Marv Albert has a breakdown. After months of rotating broadcast partners, Albert retires mid-season, forcing Ernie Johnson into an awkward play-by-play role. Back in the studio, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal won’t listen to Kenny Smith. Shaq keeps shouting, “Barbecued Chicken!” The ratings have never been better.

January

9.  The Boston Celtics take a league-record 53 three-pointers in a game against the Toronto Raptors, including 19 by Jared Sullinger. They make only 7. Sullinger finishes the game with 18 offensive rebounds.

10. LeBron James tells Dion Waiters that Waiters won’t be joining the Cleveland Cavs on their ten-day road trip in January, because he will be enrolled in anger management classes. Coach David Blatt simply nods in the background.

11. ESPN declares they will air every Cavs game from February 1 until the end of the season.

February

12. At the All-Star Break, the NBA announces the details of its new television deal on the salary cap, but the cap number keeps increasing every week, like it does with the Mega Millions. By June, the number is $140 million. Every team will have an inordinate amount of cap space and twelve assistant GMs will quit right before free agency begins in July, 2016.

13. The Houston Rockets beat the Los Angeles Lakers, 104-92. Only two Rockets score points in the game. James Harden gets 58. Dwight Howard scores 46. Kobe Bryant scores 31 points, taking 57 shots, in the least-efficient performance in league history. Lakers guard Jeremy Lin finally complains to the media about Kobe’s selfish ways. Rookie Julius Randle gets a DNP-CD from coach Byron Scott because he accidentally took a corner three-pointer the previous game. Phil Jackson‘s laughter can be heard from coast-to-coast.

14. The Indiana Pacers, who are averaging 64 points per game, trade away Roy Hibbert and David West to the Sacramento Kings for Ben McLemore and a future second-round pick. Larry Bird goes AWOL as soon as the season ends.

15. The Boston Celtics do not trade Rajon Rondo. Bill Simmons yells at Celtics GM Danny Ainge on The Grantland Basketball Hour. At 25-29, the Celtics make a run at the 8th seed in the weak Eastern Conference. In an ironic twist, the Celtics and Nets will fight it out for the final spot.

April

16. The Philadelphia 76ers play a regular season game in which the arena is completely empty. The television commentators leave the booth in protest early in the second quarter. The Sixers forfeit their final five home games, but refuse to refund those tickets to the 43 remaining season ticket holders. Instead, they barter with those fans, hoping to secure second round picks. Sixers GM Sam Hinkie sits down with SI’s Lee Jenkins in April, at the end of the Sixers 6-76 (fitting, isn’t it?) season. The tell-all essay is titled, “Vision 2020.” Sixers fans organize an event where they set fire to a pile of this issue of Sports Illustrated. Joel Embiid is asked to stop using Twitter by commissioner Adam Silver.

17. The Sacramento Kings win 44 games but finish 10th in the Western Conference. Owner Vivek Ranadive petitions for Sacramento to move to the Eastern Conference, but commissioner Silver stops answering Vivek’s texts. A blog is created: http://www.vivekstexts.com

18. The Memphis Grizzlies finish 6th in the West and end up taking the 3rd-seed San Antonio Spurs to Game 7, before losing the final game on two Zach Randolph missed free-throws.

May

19. After much debate, Seattle doesn’t get a franchise but they do get a new Chipotle restaurant.

20. In the middle of the Western Conference Semis between San Antonio and Oklahoma City, Kevin Durant announces he’s moving 5,000 of his closest friends and family to a newly built community outside of Oklahoma City. The rumors that he’s headed to Washington, D.C. persist anyway, because the NBA gossip bubble in the age of Twitter expands like a piece of Bubblicious.

21. The Washington Wizards and Charlotte Hornets finish 4th and 5th in the East. Paul Pierce and Lance Stephenson become involved in a staring match that lasts for 45 minutes at center court after the final buzzer of Game 1. Whichever team wins the evenly-matched series loses in 5 games to the Bulls in the East Semis.

22. The Golden State Warriors and Los Angeles Clippers meet in the Western Conference Semis. Steve Kerr and Doc Rivers both agree to do color commentary and let their assistants coach during the second quarter of each game.

23. In the Eastern Conference Finals, the Chicago Bulls beat the Cleveland Cavs in 6 games. Jimmy Butler does such a ridiculous job defending Kyrie Irving (holding him to 13% shooting for the series) that he is named series MVP.

June

24. The Chicago Bulls beat the Los Angeles Clippers in the NBA Finals in 7 games. Five of the games come down to the wire. Chris Paul retires (temporarily) out of frustration. Tom Thibodeau is named MVP, due to the fact that every member of the Bulls contributes roughly the same amount to the wins, and the voting ends in a seven-way tie.

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