24 (Slightly Absurd) NBA Certainties for the 2014-15 Season

The following twenty-four NBA-related events will most certainly occur over the course of the next eight months. 

1. On October 30, Blake Griffin “retaliates” against Serge Ibaka‘s third take-down of the game by blowing him kisses. Later in the game, Glen Davis crushes Ibaka and then pins him to the court in a wrestling maneuver. Davis is suspended for five games, but coach Doc Rivers buys Davis a new Tesla for his troubles.

2. The Minnesota Timberwolves will not be all that exciting in general, but Ricky Rubio to Andrew Wiggins and Rubio to Zach LaVine lob passes will be a nice distraction from the standings. Coach Flip Saunders gives Rubio an ultimatum in mid-November: “Get to the free-throw more or we’ll all start calling you, “Marco.”

3. Milwaukee Bucks coach Jason Kidd comes out of retirement in late-November because he wants to, “Teach Jabari the pick-and-roll.” Jabari Parker continues to pick-and-pop but refuses to “roll.”

4. Golden State Warriors owner Joe Lacob introduces pre-game three-point contests involving Steph Curry, Klay Thompson and new coach Steve Kerr. The Warriors start selling tickets for the pre-game event only.

December

5. Philadelphia 76ers second round pick K.J. McDaniels becomes first NBA player to have a 10 block, 10 turnover game against the downtrodden Orlando Magic.

6. Chicago Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau embraces the fact he finally has a deep bench and plays everyone 25 minutes per game, saving them for the playoffs. Derrick Rose will play the entire season.

7. ESPN.com crashes for several days in mid-December due to advanced metrics malfunctioning and causing panic.

8. In a New Year’s Eve special, longtime TNT commentator Marv Albert has a breakdown. After months of rotating broadcast partners, Albert retires mid-season, forcing Ernie Johnson into an awkward play-by-play role. Back in the studio, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal won’t listen to Kenny Smith. Shaq keeps shouting, “Barbecued Chicken!” The ratings have never been better.

January

9.  The Boston Celtics take a league-record 53 three-pointers in a game against the Toronto Raptors, including 19 by Jared Sullinger. They make only 7. Sullinger finishes the game with 18 offensive rebounds.

10. LeBron James tells Dion Waiters that Waiters won’t be joining the Cleveland Cavs on their ten-day road trip in January, because he will be enrolled in anger management classes. Coach David Blatt simply nods in the background.

11. ESPN declares they will air every Cavs game from February 1 until the end of the season.

February

12. At the All-Star Break, the NBA announces the details of its new television deal on the salary cap, but the cap number keeps increasing every week, like it does with the Mega Millions. By June, the number is $140 million. Every team will have an inordinate amount of cap space and twelve assistant GMs will quit right before free agency begins in July, 2016.

13. The Houston Rockets beat the Los Angeles Lakers, 104-92. Only two Rockets score points in the game. James Harden gets 58. Dwight Howard scores 46. Kobe Bryant scores 31 points, taking 57 shots, in the least-efficient performance in league history. Lakers guard Jeremy Lin finally complains to the media about Kobe’s selfish ways. Rookie Julius Randle gets a DNP-CD from coach Byron Scott because he accidentally took a corner three-pointer the previous game. Phil Jackson‘s laughter can be heard from coast-to-coast.

14. The Indiana Pacers, who are averaging 64 points per game, trade away Roy Hibbert and David West to the Sacramento Kings for Ben McLemore and a future second-round pick. Larry Bird goes AWOL as soon as the season ends.

15. The Boston Celtics do not trade Rajon Rondo. Bill Simmons yells at Celtics GM Danny Ainge on The Grantland Basketball Hour. At 25-29, the Celtics make a run at the 8th seed in the weak Eastern Conference. In an ironic twist, the Celtics and Nets will fight it out for the final spot.

April

16. The Philadelphia 76ers play a regular season game in which the arena is completely empty. The television commentators leave the booth in protest early in the second quarter. The Sixers forfeit their final five home games, but refuse to refund those tickets to the 43 remaining season ticket holders. Instead, they barter with those fans, hoping to secure second round picks. Sixers GM Sam Hinkie sits down with SI’s Lee Jenkins in April, at the end of the Sixers 6-76 (fitting, isn’t it?) season. The tell-all essay is titled, “Vision 2020.” Sixers fans organize an event where they set fire to a pile of this issue of Sports Illustrated. Joel Embiid is asked to stop using Twitter by commissioner Adam Silver.

17. The Sacramento Kings win 44 games but finish 10th in the Western Conference. Owner Vivek Ranadive petitions for Sacramento to move to the Eastern Conference, but commissioner Silver stops answering Vivek’s texts. A blog is created: http://www.vivekstexts.com

18. The Memphis Grizzlies finish 6th in the West and end up taking the 3rd-seed San Antonio Spurs to Game 7, before losing the final game on two Zach Randolph missed free-throws.

May

19. After much debate, Seattle doesn’t get a franchise but they do get a new Chipotle restaurant.

20. In the middle of the Western Conference Semis between San Antonio and Oklahoma City, Kevin Durant announces he’s moving 5,000 of his closest friends and family to a newly built community outside of Oklahoma City. The rumors that he’s headed to Washington, D.C. persist anyway, because the NBA gossip bubble in the age of Twitter expands like a piece of Bubblicious.

21. The Washington Wizards and Charlotte Hornets finish 4th and 5th in the East. Paul Pierce and Lance Stephenson become involved in a staring match that lasts for 45 minutes at center court after the final buzzer of Game 1. Whichever team wins the evenly-matched series loses in 5 games to the Bulls in the East Semis.

22. The Golden State Warriors and Los Angeles Clippers meet in the Western Conference Semis. Steve Kerr and Doc Rivers both agree to do color commentary and let their assistants coach during the second quarter of each game.

23. In the Eastern Conference Finals, the Chicago Bulls beat the Cleveland Cavs in 6 games. Jimmy Butler does such a ridiculous job defending Kyrie Irving (holding him to 13% shooting for the series) that he is named series MVP.

June

24. The Chicago Bulls beat the Los Angeles Clippers in the NBA Finals in 7 games. Five of the games come down to the wire. Chris Paul retires (temporarily) out of frustration. Tom Thibodeau is named MVP, due to the fact that every member of the Bulls contributes roughly the same amount to the wins, and the voting ends in a seven-way tie.

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Around the League: Ten NBA Thoughts on the First Ten Games

1. Larry Sanders left his dogs out in 17 degree weather last January in Milwaukee.  Larry Sanders injured his thumb and needs surgery. Maybe that was karma, Larry. The dogs were German Shepherd puppies. This is a shame.  I can no longer use an exclamation point to emphasize my appreciation for Larry’s interior defense.  Zach Lowe’s pre-season interview did not enlighten me about Larry’s animal cruelty.  If Larry lives alone, then he needs two things: 1) To hire a dog trainer and a house sitter to teach those puppies how not to chew on everything in sight at home and 2) Learn how to trust someone to stay at his house and follow through on the puppy training.  If Larry lives with someone, he needs that person to be a dog person. The days of leaving dogs chained up in the backyard (even in perfectly good weather) should be behind us.  We’re lucky to have dogs.  Dogs aren’t always all that lucky to have us.
2. The Nets are 3-7 and the Brooklyn Bridge is collapsing, according to the New York media. They have missed Andrei Kirilenko, Deron Williams and Brook Lopez lately.  In addition KG and Pierce will be played sparingly throughout the regular season.  Despite the start, the Nets will still win 45+ games and will still finish in the top 6 of the Eastern Conference. Two reasons they’ve gotten off to such a tough start: 1) Deron Williams missed the entire preseason and the last two games; 2) They are elderly; and 3) Jason Kidd has never coached before and has to figure out how to make this whole thing work once the team is actually all on the court together.  They will become the 4th best team in the East by season’s end.
3. The Boston Celtics won four straight games (one against the worst team in the league and two against the infant Magic) just to confuse Celtics fans and wipe out any claims of tank-age.  The Celtics are now 4-7, but have played the second weakest schedule in the league so far. With a tough upcoming stretch of games, they will likely be 6-13 or worse by the end of November…which means Rondo better not come back until January unless they might win 30 games.  On the plus side, Sullinger and Olynyk have been helpful.
4. The Phoenix Suns started off 5-2, and are now 5-4, thanks to new point guard Eric Bledsoe (23.9 PER) and Markieff Morris’ best Shawn Marion-circa 2004 impersonation (PER of 24.1).  In addition, Gerald Green is actually knocking down triples, and Miles Plumlee is nabbing over 9 rebounds in 31 mpg.  Bledsoe has been excellent, shooting 50% from the field, despite the expected lackluster shooting from distance (29%).  Is it going to last? No.  Not at all.  Four of the five wins have been at home.  They’ve played well, but they’ll be lucky/unlucky to win 30 games, and they’ll still get a top 6 pick in the draft.
5. The Philadelphia 76ers jumped out to 3-0 and are now 5-6.  Michael Carter-Williams is intriguing, yet seriously flawed.  The Sixers gave up 135 points in a 48 minute game to the New Orleans Pelicans.  That’s about 25 too many points to be respectable. That early streak will likely be their only three game winning streak this year, which should make their fans happy if they understand the legit potential of this upcoming draft.  They push the pace more than any team not named Minnesota, which is smart, as it gives opponents more opportunities to score on their porous defense (105.5 is 3rd to last in defensive efficiency, but it will become the worst by season’s end).
6. Strength of schedule: the Golden State Warriors (7-3, 4th toughest schedule), San Antonio Spurs (9-1, 9th toughest), and Indiana Pacers (9-1, but 27th toughest) are the hottest teams in the NBA. However, the Oklahoma City Thunder (6-3) have faced the toughest competition. Considering how well the Warriors, Spurs, and Thunder have played against high-quality opponents, we’re looking at another season of Western Conference dominance.  That may change by January, once two of the East’s best (Chicago and Brooklyn) have had time to knock off the rust and jell, respectively.
7. By the way, Golden State is currently connecting on 45.3% of their three-pointers.  By comparison, only two teams have shot over 40% for a season in the last decade (Golden State last year: 40.3% and Phoenix in 2009-10 at 41.2%).
8. Lance Stephenson has been really good against really bad teams.  Most impressive has been his decision making as the backup point guard for Frank Vogel, as detailed here by Zach Lowe.
9. For a team with playoff aspirations, the Cleveland Cavaliers have been atrocious on offense. Only Charlotte (without its best scoring option Al Jefferson for 7 of its 10 games) and Utah (who are without rookie PG Trey Burke and should currently be playing in the Pac-10 or Mountain West), have worse effective field goal percentages.  In addition, the Cavs are 29th in offensive efficiency (92.7) and have played the fourth weakest schedule.  For a team with Kyrie Irving at the point guard, these numbers are nauseating. The attempt to resurrect Andrew Bynum’s career is dragging down the offense, and Bynum’s 36.1% from the field has got to be demoralizing.
10. Incredibly, Irving, Dion Waiters and Jarrett Jack are all shooting less than 40% from the field.  Mike Brown’s offensive coaching abilities remain in serious doubt.  Things could actually be much worse in Cleveland, who have two overtime games, and a third win came in a 1-point victory over Minnesota.  The rest of November is full of tough opponents. Things won’t be getting better soon for the Cavs.

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